“Lord, my God, who am I that you should forsake me? The child of your love – And now I become as the most hated one-the one you have thrown away as unwanted-unloved. I call, I cling, I want-and there is no one to answer- no one on whom I can cling- no, no one.-alone. The darkness is so dark.”
This is an entry from one of Mother Teresa’s journals. I did a double take the first time I read it and thought, “wait, the woman who was known for her service to the poor and who is attributed with doing so much good?” Yes, even Mother Teresa experienced disappointment and a felt distance from God.
I’ve felt similarly at certain times in my life. Either when praying and asking for guidance and feeling like my words are expressed into an empty void, or attending a Sunday morning service and leaving feeling nothing. Most tangibly I’ve felt great distance when wanting to believe God is good, but doubting the foundations of my faith. This distance is usually expressed in questions toward God: Why do I not hear your voice? Why do I not feel your presence? Why do my prayers feel silent? Why have you not answered?
This distance seems to be at odds with what the psalmist writes in Psalm 139:7-10:
“ I can never escape from your Spirit!
I can never get away from your presence!
If I go up to heaven, you are there;
if I go down to the grave, you are there.
If I ride the wings of the morning,
if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
even there your hand will guide me,
and your strength will support me.”
The God portrayed here is one who is inescapable, so why do we sometimes feel distant? The first thing I learned about what is commonly known as Divine Hiddenness, is that it is often a result of violated expectations. So often the inspirational Christian stories we hear include hearing the audible voice of God, or an unmistakable nudge from the Holy Spirit. And we long to connect with God in a personal way, so we can expect to experience the same. But life is not a consistent highlight reel, more often its short lived peaks and drawn out valleys.
How can we make sense of this felt distance?
Part of God’s nature is love (Ps 118:1. Ex 34:6), and love requires choice. A definition of love my dad once shared with me goes like this, “A commitment of my will to another’s needs and best interests regardless of the cost.” Love cannot be forced, it must be freely given. God creating humanity in His image includes giving us a will to choose, which enables the capacity to love. This choice requires some space to not overwhelm one’s will.
Think about a helicopter parent or friend who hovers around another person and seeks to control their choices. Often with unhealthy consequences, an overbearing parent or friend demands love and attention. But forcing someone’s hand with an overwhelming presence cannot produce love. God, in his goodness, leaves the choice to us. I believe that part of God’s seeming “hiddenness” is to allow us to use our will to love and trust him.
In light of the choice before us, how do we respond when God may seem distant?
First, instead of our feelings, we must find an anchor in what is true. Ask the question: What is true of God?
God is GOOD as revealed in Scripture.
Mark 10:18
“And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone.”
1 Chronicles 16:34
“Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever.”
God is NEAR as revealed in scripture.
Psalm 145:18
“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth.”
Psalm 34:18
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit.”
Acts 17:26-27
“And he made from one man every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having determined allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, and perhaps feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for ‘In him we live and move and have our being,’”
God SPEAKS through Scripture.
Hebrews 4:12
“For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing the division of soul and spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”
Second, in light of who God is, ask the question: How can I actively choose to trust him?
There is a subtle heart check here and question to ask yourself, Why do I want to hear God’s voice or feel his presence? Bring that to God. I’ve found that In searching for an answer, or some new revelation, God has already laid something on my heart that I am not listening to. Sometimes, I want God to answer because of personal gain. God does not speak in code, clarity is kindness. Maybe God is giving you the space to open clenched hands, learn about him, and trust him.
Sometimes, this trust is manifested by simply getting out of bed to proclaim that living is valuable; sometimes it’s continuing to open God’s word; and sometimes it’s opening your hands and letting certain things go.
