The Root of Our Insecurity: Unmet Emotional Needs
According to Dr. David Ferguson, we have 10 essential emotional needs that we are seeking to fulfill: Attention, Acceptance, Appreciation, Support, Encouragement, Affection, Respect, Security, Comfort, and Approval.
Much research has been done to identify why people struggle with unwanted behaviors such as addictions and compulsive behaviors. At the core, these struggles are rooted in the lack of the healthy fulfillment of these basic needs.
Perhaps you have experienced something similar to my friend who we will call Dave.
“I can’t walk into my office without feeling like an imposter. I’m constantly thinking things like: you don’t really know what you are doing here, if they knew my failures or lack experience, they would fire you in an instant. Or with my friends I’m constantly thinking, if they really knew who I was, they wouldn’t be my friend”.
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These feelings of inadequacy and insecurity have been the driver of Dave’s sexual addiction and alcohol abuse. Through conversation, I’ve seen two things rise to the surface, Dave struggles with his identity, and Dave does not feel as if his emotional needs are met. God has created every human being with core emotional needs that he desires to meet. And He has designed life in such a way that these needs are met in healthy relationships as well. When these needs go unmet, we medicate them with whatever is easy and pleasurable. But when they are met in healthy ways in relationship with God and others, we thrive.
The 10 God-Given Emotional Needs We All Share
1. The Need for Attention
We all need people to think about us and convey appropriate care, interest, concern, and support for us. We want to be noticed, for someone to take interest in us. Unfortunately, many of us have experienced either the lack of this need, or selective attention for the benefit of someone else. I fear that many only receive attention due to selfish reasons of the giver. The lack of healthy attention from respected individuals can lead to poor self-image, being consumed with negative self thought, feeling like one lacks worth, and feeling unlovable.
When we have the attention of someone else, it communicates that I am understood. Rather than feeling worthless, unworthy, consumed with your appearance or competency, when we have the attention of others simply because of who we are, we are free to grow into a healthy self-image, confident about our skills, willing to serve and more attentive to others needs.
David reflects on God’s attention towards himself in Psalm 139:1-3 where he states:
“O Lord, you have searched me and know me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways.”
We have God’s attention, and we have the privilege to give others our attention as well.
2. The Need for Acceptance
We all desire to be accepted for who we are, and not what we do. Sadly, many grow up today believing the lie that love at its core is conditional, and they must perform for others’ acceptance. Throughout scripture we read that God’s love towards humanity is dependent on nothing other than us being his creation. This is a love which is not dependent on our actions or successes. It is simply God’s desire to see his children receive the free gift of forgiveness he has offered through the death and resurrection of Jesus.
When we experience acceptance, it communicates that I am valued. Rather than feeling as if our value is based on our performance, insecure about our worth, defensiveness and having unhealthy motivation for work, when we experience healthy acceptance from God and others we become secure, confident, experience our true value and have a profound sense of peace about who we are.
Just as we are accepted by Christ, Romans 15:7 says that we are to “accept one another just as Christ has accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.”
We have God’s acceptance, and we have the privilege to accept others as well.
3. The Need for Appreciation
We all desire others to communicate to us that they appreciate us and are grateful for our actions. Appreciation is to be thanked or encouraged for what you have done. While acceptance is about realizing that who we are matters, appreciation communicates that our actions matter. We long for someone to say, “well done” or “thank you” regardless of our performance.
When we experience appreciation, it communicates that I am capable. When this longing goes unmet, insecurity about our doing and self-doubt increases. But when someone expresses appreciation, we are motivated to do more, are affirmed of our doing, and experience a positive attitude toward our actions.
Paul writes to Timothy in 2 Timothy 1:3-5 stating his gratitude for his sincere faith which is an act of appreciation. We have the privilege to appreciate others as well, no matter the outcome of their actions.
4. The Need for Support
We all desire for someone to come alongside us and support us in difficult or challenging situations. Some of the loneliness times in life are experienced when circumstances exceed our ability to overcome them, and no one is there to help.
When we experience support, it communicates that I am sustained. When this longing goes unmet, one may experience discouragement, a weariness towards life, fear of failure and timidity. But when we are supported, we experience the truth that we are not alone which leads to feeling encouraged, grateful, and empowered to give to others.
We read in 1 Corinthians 10:13, “No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it.” God is our support, and is with us, and we have the privilege to support others as well as Galatians 6:2 says, “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
5. The Need for Encouragement
We all desire for someone to cheer us on, believe in us, affirm our effort, and fuel our motivation, and remind us who we are. We need people to inspire us with courage, spirit, and hope. Life can be overwhelming as expectations are placed on us at work, or in the home.
When we are encouraged, it communicates that I can keep going. It shares that our effort matters. When this longing goes unmet, we can lack confidence, believe we are a failure, and have a defeatist attitude. But when we are encouraged, our attitude about the present circumstances changes for the better, we are empowered, and can face hardship or tasks with courage.
1 Thessalonians 5:11 states, “Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.” Encouragement breathes life into tired lives and motivates us to keep going.
6. The emotional need for affection
We all desire to be cared for with gentle touch, and emotional engagement. Studies show that in addition to our physical needs being met, we also need healthy affection to promote a flourishing life.
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When we experience affection, it communicates I am loveable. When this need goes unmet, we can believe the lie that we are unlovable and worthless, experience a poor self image, and search for affection in unhealthy relationships or actions. But when we receive healthy affection, we build a sense of security and can receive and give affection to and from others.
Romans 16:16 states, “Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.”
7. The Need for Respect
We all need for others to hold us in high esteem and recognize our worth. We long to feel that our unique personality and contributions are needed and admired.
When we experience respect, it communicates that I matter. You are worthy of being honored by others and being taken seriously. When this need goes unmet, we may experience feelings of unworthiness and inferiority, insecurity, a demanding spirit of others, a victim mindset, and an unhealthy intolerance of others. But when we experience respect, it allows us to experience our true value, our actions and presence are seen as meaningful, and we can develop a high self-worth.
Romans 12:10 states, “Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor.”
8. The Need for Security
We all need to feel safe. This goes beyond the common notion of physical safety which stems from adequate food and shelter to being financially secure, emotionally secure, and spiritually secure. We crave more than just being told that everything will be ok. We desire assurance and action from others.
When we experience an assurance of safety, it communicates that I am secure. When this need goes unmet, one can experience great fear, insecurity, become controlling and possessive, and struggle with anxiety and worry. But when we experience security, it frees us to become confident, try new things and explore, and experiment without fear.
God is our ultimate protector and provider, and we have the opportunity to make others feel secure as well.
9. The Need for Comfort
We all need others to ease our grief and pain, as well as people who give us strength and hope. We were never meant to walk through suffering alone. One of the greatest acts of presence and comfort is the incarnation. When God became human in the person of Jesus. Because Jesus walked with us, suffered alongside us, and ultimately overcame death, we can find comfort in him.
When we experience comfort, it communicates I am seen. When this need goes unmet, one can become bitter, fearful, controlling and possessive. But when we are comforted, we build a sense of competency and courage, feel safe to express our emotion, and experience our true value as we are soothed, consoled, embraced, and calmed.
Hebrews 4:15 states, “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”
10. The Need for Approval
We naturally seek the approval of those around us as we act and try to show our worth. We seek approval from others through the things we own, clothes we wear, or hobbies we partake in. Through scripture, we read that God actually delights in us. In Psalm 18:19, David expresses that God “delighted in me.” As Christians, we are approved of because Christ has forgiven us and set us free.
When we experience approval, it communicates I belong. When this longing goes unmet, we may feel a deep desire to prove ourselves in everything, become performance oriented, work excessive amounts, and lack a healthy self confidence. But when we experience approval, it frees us to be produced, confident, and we experience a healthy self image.
We crave for someone to celebrate us, choose us, cherish us, affirm us, and enjoy us.
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How to See yourself as God Sees You
If you feel the lack of any of these emotional needs, you are not alone. No one sails through life without experiencing some sort of lack, brokenness or pain. We all have moments when these needs were not met, and we sought out to meet them in illegitimate ways. It is possible to realign our view of ourselves to what is true, which is how God views us. We allow this transformation to take place with these three doable steps:
Step 1: Study God’s Character Through His Word
God meets your needs and demonstrates love because of His character and nature. Learning more about who God is and what He has done will assure you of your value in Him. The significance of our needs being met by God is only seen in light of who he is, his character and nature, and what he has done for us.
Further Study: The Attributes of God
Step 2: Meditate on the Truth of How God Sees You
Pick out two or three Bible verses which speak to your emotional needs, write them down, and carry them with you. Better yet, set them as your lock screen on your phone. As you view them, take moments to be quiet and receive God’s love.
Step 3: Find Community with Mature Christians
Each of the core needs are designed to be met by God. But God has also created us for relationships with others around us. In those relationships, we can experience these needs met in healthy ways as well. Surround yourself with brothers and sisters in Christ who see you for your true value, and love you like God does.
The truest thing about you is what God says of you.
